Saturday, December 13, 2014

Book Signing!

Book Signing!!

Jitters Coffeehouse and Bookstore
Laurel, Mississippi

December 20, 2014

Time: 2:00 - 4:00PM


Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Cover Reveal for Shoalman Immortal by Toni Decker

Last year I had the pleasure of doing a beta read for Kira and Toni as they worked to complete their debut novel, IMAGES ETERNAL. Since then I know you guys have seen me rave about this story and the others in the series. And best treat of the week, Images Eternal is FREE right now on Amazon until 12/12/14!!! GO GRAB IT!

I really, really enjoyed the first and second Shoalman Chronicle books and I anxiously await the third. These characters are the kind that stick with you even after you finish the story. Originally I read the second book first and was gone on them, especially Robert. So as you can imagine, I am SUPER excited I can finally share my love for this book with you guys!

Without further babbling, here's the awesome new cover for, SHOALMAN IMMORTAL by Toni Decker!

I am utterly blown away by the beauty of this cover! Sharon did another fantastic job creating something so unique and gorgeous for these books. Here's a little introduction to the story:

Falling in love was never supposed to be part of the picture.
Kyrissa Spears was born with a powerful, and deadly, gift. When she paints, she captures emotions so strong they can kill.Desperate to find a teacher capable ofhelping her unlock and controlher abilities, Kyrissa'ssearch leads her toan artist who may be able to help her.And he's the one person she can't accidentally kill.
After five centuries of pain and loneliness, Robert Shoalman craves release from his immortality. He's all but given up hope until he meets the beautiful and intriguing Kyrissa.She could paint his death and break the curse, but at the cost of destroying her gift and being lost to him forever—none of which will matter if the demon hunting him finds them first.
Now that I know you are salivating for this book, here's a little excerpt:
"You keep telling me to trust my feelings." Kyrissa ran her finger along his lower lip. "Trust yours."
His mouth sought hers, the taste of her lips more exquisite than the finest wine. He drank her in, wanting more of her intoxicating apples and mint flavor, as well as the one that was just her. The one found only in her kiss. Burying his face in her hair, he pulled her closer, lips trailing down her neck and across her collarbone.
Pulling the fitted shirt from his jeans, her hands slid up his back and sides. Each touch on his skin left him burning. Reclaiming Kyrissa's mouth with his, Robert fumbled with the buttons on the front of his shirt, feeling her smile when she tried to help him, both of them making it worse.
"Damn it to hell," Robert broke the kiss, pushing up to his knees to rip the shirt open. The patter of buttons danced across the floor like rain.
"Robert!" Kyrissa laughed at his impulsive action.
"What good is money if I cannot afford to ruin a shirt?" He grinned. "Especially if it is for the right reasons." He'd ruin shirts every day if she would look at him the way she was now.
Kneeling in front of him, Kyrissa used her hands to push the shirt off his shoulders while her mouth trailed kisses along his chest. "You could have just pulled it over your head," she teased, fingers working to pull open the cuffs.
"I thought women expected displays like that," Robert fumbled, distracted by her hands and mouth. In his day, affairs were slower, more reserved. He enjoyed these times better. The women were bolder. More passionate.
"I could get that male bravado bullshit from any pickup in a bar." Her eyes devoured him. "I want you."


Who is Toni Decker?

Two authors telling one sizzling story after another about twenty-somethings getting along in their own crazy, fantastical worlds. Both women are wives and mothers, sharing brain cells and characters as if they only exist with the other.
Toni, one half of the Toni Decker brain, is an avid reader of all things Young and New Adult while Kira, the Decker half of Toni Decker brain, devours fantasy for midnight snacks.
Together, their stories are one part New Adult,
one part Fantasy and
three parts of Holy Hotness.
We leave it up to the readers to decide who writes which character. 
You can follow our journey on:

Goodreads: Toni Decker

Wordpress: Toni Decker Books




Thursday, December 4, 2014

Thank You

** Saying thank you to everyone who has helped me a long the way is one of the things I've looked forward to the most. You have to write that book alone. But you truly can't make it through the process of publishing without friends and support.
Sometimes things get left out of the final copy. Them's the breaks in publishing. So today I'm extra grateful for my blog so I can post the acknowledgement pages here. Without further babble, here's me saying to all of you who walked along with me, Thank you.**
Over the six years it has taken to bring this book to life, I’ve added to this page and taken away many times. Writing a book, but more specifically, attempting to publish a book can teach you so many things about love, friendship, and devotion. To those who have endured this journey beside me, you’re my biggest cheerleaders and soft places to fall when I turned into an ugly-snot-crying mess. I love and thank you for always being ready with tissues and cookies.
To my husband, sons and White Waug, thank you for your willingness to share me with my “project”. It was astonishing to watch my characters and their stories develop around homework, laundry and life in general. You’re the most excellent four things life has ever given me.
An enormous thank you to the most supportive family a person could ask for, I’m so thankful to have you. To my parents, your encouragement and love is incredible and more than I deserve. To my sister, who’s a tenacious force of nature about all things and about how to get them done, simple thanks doesn’t seem like enough really. I love you, Sister! To my brother, for all his assistance, encouragement with all things computer related and the generous use of his name. Brother, you’re the best! And to Heather for her keen grammar eye, you saved my bacon! To my entire family thank y’all for always being happy for me even when you didn’t understand what the hell was going on. Without your love and support, this book would’ve never become a reality.
Grateful and humble thanks to everyone at Blue Tulip Publishing for giving my creation the chance to live and touch imaginations. Especially to Liza Tice for walking up to me at RT14 and enduring being my first ever in-person pitch. Thank you to Linnea for all the “friend” advice *wink wink*. You helped me so much through some really stressful days. Thanks go out to Tammy who read the very first draft with amazing grace and encouragement. She taught me my first writing lesson, that I use too many damn adjectives. Everyone who reads this book should write my editor Paula a thank you note because without her guidance this book wouldn’t be nearly as delightful to read.
Thank you to Lesley at and artist David Taylor for the magnificent bone carving that made the taniwha real for me way over here in Mississippi. And to for creating the perfect piece to show Hayden’s love for Neely.
Giant thank you’s to some of my favorite artists Taylor Swift, Avril Lavigne, John Mayer, Coldplay, Muse, Paramore, Train and Evanescence. Your music helped pull the story out of my head and get it onto the page when frustration tried to steal it from me.
There aren’t enough acknowledgement pages to create a thank you BIG enough for Carolyn Haines. Thank you for taking the hand of a stranger and leading her through the door. Your friendship has helped turn an average life into something magical. THANK YOU!!!! To Michelle Ladner who appeared in my life at exactly the right moment to save my sanity, and who stayed despite my obvious mental condition, to become one of the best pals I’ve ever had. Your guidance, but above all your friendship, is a God sent gift. And may the good lord love you for enduring one of the original revisions. A humble thank you to the best English teacher and mentor in the whole world, Mr. Arthur Broadhead because you’re still the very best WJH ever had! A big thank you to my favorite co-nit-picker and dear friend, Lesley Wood, for falling in love with Neely and Hayden despite having to reading that first draft. Aerodynamic thanks to Kirk for all things airplane. To An’gel, Dean, Carole, Terri, Gail, Cheryl, Betty, and all the naughty DG’s you guys are the BEST! Thank you for lifting me up and holding me there, but most of all, thank you for your friendship and secret giggles. To Marc, for helping me find that ray of light when the process had turned me into a weepy, grouchy pants and for not being afraid to tell me to get my head out of my arse. Super friend props to Jodi Vaughn for listening to me whine way longer than anyone one should have to and for helping me reach the end game. To my accountability partner and lover of all the cute animal pics, Marissa. You brightened my days and you rock!
Shock and awe thanks to Daniel Martine, and all the actors in his Master Acting Class, for showing me a side of my story that I never expected to see come to life and to the very adorable Graham Elwood for being that living vehicle.
Bushel loads of thanks go to writer pal, Karen Stivali and to Tiffany Reisz for being the reason we met. Without you, Karen, I might have folded and hid in a corner. Thank you for knowing when I needed to be poked with a stick and told to get off my duff and when I needed a hug. But most of all, thank you for being a friend when I needed one the most. Love you. Gigantic thanks go to my super sweetheart, favorite fan girl, best friend and lover of all the angsty words, my adorable, Melissa. My days would be dark without your friendship and heart.
Finally, to Sweetcake, for six years of the most unconditional love and loyalty any person could ask for from someone who couldn’t talk and walked on four legs. The heart you broke when you left me spilled this story onto the page. Without ever experiencing your kind of devotion, I wouldn’t know how to write about it. I miss you.©

Thursday, October 30, 2014


11 days.....

My freak out is under control for now. But I make you all no promises for later.
Can you even BELIEVE that??? The book comes out in only 11 DAYS!!!
It's finally really hitting me. Like a big old smoking smack on the lips!
Now that people are reading the book, posting Goodreads reviews and messaging me their favorite parts and talking about the story. The reality is really sinking in. I haven't had anyone outside my tiny circle of writing friends to really talk about the book with LOL! And it has been amazing!
Like reliving those first days of drafting it all over again. I can't say thank you enough to all the people who have read, promoted and loved the story. I appreciate you all so much.
So, I've been waiting six years for this sign off:

Thanks for hanging in with me for all this time. Don't forget to give a book some love this week, and if you are so inclined, let that love fall on mine <3
Until then,

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Fun Facts From Under The Writer's Desk 10/15/14

It’s a dog’s life here under the writer’s desk, folks. And not too shabby for a gal with a cute black butt spot such as myself. I’m the Waug, White Waug to be exact, and welcome to:

“Fun Facts from Under the Writer’s Desk”

In today’s Fun Facts we’re talking about writer’s snacks. Oh my soul, there is no greater snacker on earth than the stationary writer. Why not a half hour ago a jelly bean landed on my nose and I thought I’d crossed the rainbow bridge of sugar comas. I love me some Jelly Bellies! Let’s sniff it out and see what she’s hiding from those smaller humans and that big one with no hair on his head.
Bottom drawer- hmm, smells of chocolate. Maybe containing a caramel center. Dang. She won’t be sharing that one unfortunately.

Middle drawer-paper, glue, metal. Gross, I’ll pass.
Top drawer- *sniffs hard* Ohhhhhh yes. There’s some booty in that one. Sugar. *sniff* candy corn probably. *sniiiiiiiiffffffff* more nuts and chocolate. Maybe I can bump her chair hard enough when she opens that one again for a stray mallow pumpkin to fall out.

Oh oh oh, there goes that drawer! Okay, I have to go concentrate on this so see you all again next week.
Waug out.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Read The First Chapter of UNWILLING on Wattpad!

Did you miss reading the first chapter of UNWILLING for free during the author takeover on Two Chick’s and a Dude Book Review’s Facebook page on 10/7/14? Well, here’s the link just in case!
Hope you enjoy it and are looking forward to more! Watch the blog for the AMAZON link to go live during the second week of NOVEMBER!
Until then,

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Fun Facts From Under The Writer's Desk (10/8/14)

It’s a dog’s life here under the writer’s desk, folks. And not too shabby for a gal with a cute black butt spot such as myself. I’m the Waug, White Waug to be exact, and welcome to:

“Fun Facts from Under the Writer’s Desk”

Because who better to tell the real story than the Waug looking up your shirt tail?

Anyway, I’m being paid in animal crackers to lay some smarts on you humans today. Since I LOVE ME SOME ANIMAL CRACKERS, here goes:

First up, writers. Sweet baby Jesus in the creek they’re a strange lot. That one of mine, she shuffles around here in a daze half the time. Hair crazy as hell. Unshowered and reeking of coffee. Mumbling. Pointing at the walls and then kindly scratches my ears. Well, that part I don’t mind a dab.
But she also smiles while she taps on that glow box. She smiles something FIERCE. Obviously, something in that whirly-jig makes her entirely happy so I guess it’s not half bad. Though it is noisy. I mean, how am I supposed to get my 23 hours with all that racket?
Anyway. If you happen to have one of these writer types in your life, give their cheek a nice wet lick and let them hug you tight when they need to cry. That’s a guaranteed way to get extra animal crackers.

Waug out.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014


Tonight at 7EST the lovely's at Two Chicks and A Dude Book Reviews are hosting an author take over of their facebook page which you can find HERE ! There will be prize, pictures, maybe even a few secrets but you can bet there will be tons of FUN!
Come on over and spend the hour with me!
As a added treat, the first chapter of my book will be made available for free on during the take over and the link posted on the page. Don't miss out on your chance to read it!
Hope to see you all tonight!

Monday, October 6, 2014

Coming in October!

October is shaping up to be very exciting!

I’m as busy as bee’s nest getting things organized and I’m so ready to share this book with you guys! I hope you’re as excited as I am J

Here’s the run down for October’s dates:

October 7 th  -- Author Take Over hosted by Two Chicks and a Dude Book Reviews *The author takeover is a one hour event beginning at 6CST/7EST on Facebook where I’ll be posting things about UNWILLING and getting to know the readers who visit Two Chick’s page. There will be a few prizes, maybe a few secrets *wink* but the biggest thing is that the first chapter of UNWILLING will go up on for free during that hour and the link will be posted during the takeover. If you didn’t get a Facebook invitation already to join the event message me and I’ll be happy to send you one!

October 23d
The beautiful cover Laura created for UNWILLING will make its debut!

October 14th, 21st, 28th and November 4th
The first teasers for UNWILLING will be posted on these dates so be sure to visit my Author Page on Facebook and Twitter leading up to the big day. Visit the pages often to catch them!

October 9th, 16th, 24th and November 3rd A very special addition to this month’s line up is my pal Jennifer. She and her lovely Jamberry are going to be the exclusive nail outfitter for UNWILLING! She has recreated some of Neely’s outfits from the story with a very special nail style to match and will be posting those pictures up each week! 
Mark those calendars! And don’t forget to give a book some love J

Until then,




Friday, September 26, 2014

Another Step in the Process

K.D.’s steps to publication so far:

1. Write a book

2. Revise book

3. Revise book a lot more
4. Convince people to read the book

5. Write new book

6. Revise first book again
7. Submit book to agents

     8. Eat chocolate and wail when book is rejected

9. Write more new books

 10. Revise first book four more times

11. Cry when book is rejected again

12. Go to giant conference and finally! INTEREST
14. Negotiate contract

15. Eat WAY too many lemon Oreos

16. Sign contract

17. Revise book AGAIN with editor…

Now trust me when I say that is a very cliff notes version of the last six years of my life. So here we are at the next step in bringing this little-book-that-could to your eager hands!

Is it ready you ask? Nope, not yet, but almost!

Big thanks go out to the lovely Paula at Blue Tulip. She walked me through the process of content edits with only two nervous breakdowns. (Not her fault, I had a tech issue that nearly drove me insane) Thankfully my dear friend Sharon took pity on me and walked me through how to fix said issue.  
Even though I wouldn’t have thought it possible, she taught me a few things I didn’t know about the book after six years of revising it. Just goes to show that you never stop editing. There is always something that can be tightened, fixed, or moved around all in the hopes of making the story better. She also made a process I was very nervous about much easier than I ever expected.  

So what’s next you ask? Well, I’ll tell you.


Two more rounds of a different type of edits will be next up in the process. Good news is the other pieces of the project, such as the cover art, are complete (YAAAAAAAY!) And I hope to show the cover to you all very soon. I’m very happy with design Laura created. It’s beautiful!
It's not long now! Keep visiting the blog, Facebook and twitter to catch updates and don't forget to give a book some love!
Until then,






Tuesday, September 9, 2014

What’s on the Nightstand? 9/9/14

After a little visit to the Hernando Library, I found a lovely little title and a few others to bring home. (Well, maybe not so little)

“The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making”
By Catherynne M. Valentine
“September is a girl who longs for adventure. When she is invited to Fairyland by a Green Wind and a Leopard, of course she accepts. (Mightn’t you?) But Fairyland is in turmoil, and it will take one twelve-year-old girl, a book-loving dragon, and a strange and almost human boy named Saturday to vanquish an evil Marquess and restore order. Not since Oz has there been a land-or a cast of characters-so rich and entrancing.”

Seriously, that’s the title.

It’s a lovely little book and winner of the Andre Norton Award. Great story full of color characters. I’m actually reading it before bed to Son#2. He likes it a lot.
Now I know for all you new visitors you are like, wait. Don’t you write New Adult and Erotica???
Why, yes. Yes I do. But I will always be a reader of all kinds of books first. I’ve never been a genre snob or been one to turn away a well-crafted story. And this is a well-crafted story with beautiful prose. If you need a little something different, give this book some love.
Until then,

Sunday, September 7, 2014

F U, Cancer

“How’s your Dad doing? I never see you say anything about him on your Facebook?”
This is a question I hear often. I understand the inquiry and appreciate when friends worry about him. It’s usually friends asking who know, love and are praying for him. Please know every single moment of positive energy and love you send into the universe for my family is a gift and is appreciated from the bottom of our hearts. But for the record, I won’t be discussing my Dad’s cancer, his treatment, his diagnosis or progress on social media.
And here’s why:
From the first moment since we found out, I’ve been raw, shredded, knocked off my mooring and drifting, grasping, searching, cheering for those crumbs of hope, crumpled in despair when a cancer cell eats that crumb, resolute, AND SO ANGRY sometimes I can’t see straight or breathe. Sometimes all these feelings happen in the same moment and completely overwhelm me. So if I’ve been able to answer this question for you in person, it’s only by the grace of God I didn’t ugly snot cry all over you.   

The main reason I can’t write about the specifics are because every time, every single solitary time, those kinds of words come out of my mouth they nearly rip me apart. That’s what cancer does, you know. It tears things up.

I hate those rampant little asshole cells who grow and push into places they don’t belong with a fiery passion. How DARE those cancer cells touch my Dad?! The unmitigated GALL of it all nearly turns me into a rage beast! There is no making sense of cancer. There are no answers to all the whys. And as a person of action, I’m crippled by the strangle hold of not being able to do one damn thing about cancer being in my Dad’s body. I’m a fixer, damn it, and there is just no fixing him.   

Well, I never said I was rational about it.
As an author, my life is dedicated to words. I see them in my dreams. They dance on the surface of my world. Words on the page bring emotions roaring to life for me with each combination of letters. So to write about all the treatments and symptoms blah blah, medicine, blah blah, doctors would absolutely rip me apart inside. I just can’t endure using words to describe the things that have thrown my family into the gapping maw of emotional hell for over a year. I actually don’t even know if I could communicate them properly.

Anyway, it would probably all come out as GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRajsdhfkaugsidgfaisdgbifabsd;f.

So we if see each other in person, ask away. I won’t ever mind you asking me about Dad. I know you’re asking because you care. Cancer is a fact of my life now. It’s touched me and I’ll bear that mark forever. I will bear it with courage for him. He’s endured cancer treatment for me and my family. Being courageous for him is the least I can do.  As far as the words I put into the world, you’ll see my dog being spoiled, my kids being kids, me hanging out with writers and readers, the characters and stories I create, and me drinking more coffee than I should.
And giving cancer a double middle finger.





Thursday, August 14, 2014

COVER REVEAL for Images Eternal by Toni Decker!

So proud of these writer pals and excited to share the cover reveal for dynamic writing duo, Toni Decker.
I was lucky enough to beta IMAGES ETERNAL a few months ago and this cover is so perfect for the story and characters. I'm blown away! HUGE CONGRATS! Can’t wait to see this wonderful story out in the world!
Give this book some LOVE!
Until then,

***Images Eternal is the first book in The Shoalman Chronicles by Toni Decker. It will be available for purchase September 15th.***

The Blurb:

The blood of a Guardian, the heart of an artist, no one can hide the truth from Amanda Hayworth. Focusing her visions through her camera lens, she reveals secrets no one plans to expose, even her own. To protect herself, Mandy hides her ability in plain sight, photographing local bands and showcasing the dramatic images on her website. Most bands beg for a feature article. But the new lead singer of one particular up and coming band isn’t like anyone she’s ever met. Lucien entangles her with his mystery and makes Mandy want things she’s never wanted before—strings.

Lucien Solvak has to impress an influential music blogger whose promotion could skyrocket his new band to stardom or flush them straight into the gutters. But the moment Mandy aims her camera his direction, he fears the images will expose his ties to the immortal he’s sworn to protect and destroy his one chance to live out his musical dream. Hiding from her camera is tough enough. Denying his growing feelings becomes an impossible feat, forcing Lucien to choose between oaths as a Guardian, his rock-star dreams, and the girl he wants.

Secrets define them. Lucien’s bind him to silence; Mandy’s bring her nothing but pain and disappointment. Only when they focus on what’s behind the images can they embrace their secrets for what they are—truth.

Look for it where eBooks are sold on September 15th.

Without any further ado... HERE IT IS!!!


Did I mention that Images Eternal by Toni Decker will be available for purchase September 15th? That's September 15th. Mark your calendars. AND you can look for Shoalman Immortal, Book two in The Shoalman Chronicles in January 2015.
For more information on this series, visit Toni Decker Books

Also, for a special treat, check out the blog post by our amazing Cover Designer, Sharon Carpenter, on the 
behind the scenes look at the cover design



Friday, August 8, 2014

NEWS, NEWS, I finally have NEWS!

NEWS, NEWS, I finally have NEWS!
I am thrilled to announce that I’ve signed a contract with Blue Tulip Publishing for my Paranormal New Adult, UNWILLING.
The joy of writing is like nothing in the world. The sense of accomplishment, of getting lost in a world of your own creation and sitting back to stare at the screen with eyes ruined by tears and in need of a shower and yell, “THAT WAS AWESOME! I’m so ready to do that all over again!”
It has taken more years than I expected to reach the next step on this road to publication. But I’ve learned so much, met some amazing people, made life-long friends, and I wouldn’t change a moment of this part of the journey.

Release dates and more information to come, so check
the blog often!

Much love and thanks for all the friendship and support you all have given me and this book and I’m looking forward to sharing all the exciting things to come with you!

Until then,

Friday, July 11, 2014


There are a few posts I’ve written while in tears since I started this blog one weird night in Nashville. Those posts will live only in my computer and never taint your eyeballs. Lots of reasons for that. Mainly, they’re depressing as hell and as son#2 loves to say, “ain’t nobody got time for that”.

***Thankfully, this is NOT one of those bummer posts! Instead, the tears dripping on the keys today are made of JOY!***

I am happy to announce I now have an AGENT!

That’s right, folks. Things just got real up in here and I am over the moon excited!!!!!! So please bear with my overabundance of !!!! in this post.

My new agent is Tish Beaty with L. Perkins Agency and here’s a little introduction for you all courtesy of  

Tish was part of the team that developed The Writer’s Coffee Shop Publishing House and during her time with the TWCS, she managed both authors and editors – acquiring several authors who have become literary successes, including the NYT #1 Bestseller -FIFTY SHADES OF GREY.”

I’m looking forward to an amazing working relationship with L. Perkins Agency and Ms. Beaty. So now that I’ve used up my exclamation mark allowance for the day, I wish you all a very happy Friday evening. J And remember to give a book some love.

Until then,







Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Trying to Find Quiet in the Chaos

One of the earliest lessons I learned as a writer was to stop forcing words out of the character’s mouths. I had to find a quiet place externally so I could really listen internally to them telling ME the story. Otherwise, the page would end up full of chaos. After all, it is their story and I’m just the fingers on the keyboard.

There are times when my plan for the day might be to write a certain chapter or scene. Well, unless that’s also the character’s plan, it ain’t gonna happen. Hard lesson for someone as hardheaded as me, just so you know.

This past April, I was in a workshop with my local writers group. Our speaker took us through the imagery of the mind, where creativity lives, and how we writers spend a heck of a lot of time getting in our own way. It was a great workshop and really helped me clean out a lot of things that were preventing my creative flow.

But opening that door to your creative head space can also mean you’ll have new characters rudely butt in when you are feverously trying to finish a project. So do you give the character the old, IN A MINUTE treatment?

Or, do you get up from the chair, find your version of quiet place and listen? Really listen to those first pieces of story, dialogue or world building?

Ideas are such fickle things. They can come from so many places. Some of those places are light and fun to visit. Other times inspiration comes from the darker, more mysterious or painful places in a character’s heart. The sweet and sticky spider's threads it might take you seven gut-wrenching revisions to finally tease apart. But boy when the story finally comes to light, is that ever an amazing feeling.

What’s the inspiration you’re listening to today? Mine was actually pretty dang black but it was also extremely persistent. So guess what I did.

I listened.

Here is a piece of the mysterious trail I walked with a new character today.
Enjoy the brain tickle of a million and one possiblities and don’t forget to give a book some love.

Till then,

She’s Beautiful in Love

I watched my girl fall in love today.
Not with me, oh no, that ship sailed and sank.
She’s falling in love this time without me.
And my God, she’s stunning in love.
I’d forgotten the way she looks in love, or hadn’t bothered to remember.

Is there really a difference?

No longer the girl I fell for, the one I constantly reminded her I wanted back.
She’s a gorgeous woman. Strong independent, happy with herself. I can see that in the glow coming off her and its nearly blinding.
When did I stop seeing at her? Seriously, I can’t remember.
Her head tips back with a laugh, totally given over to the joyful sound.

He lists toward her, drawn to the happy sound the same way I my feet want to run to her.
He touches her arm so tenderly and she seems to melt towards him.
Did I ever touch her that way?
No, no I didn’t. I was too busy with my own stuff to meet that need.
Her hair spills forward as he whispers in her ear.

I hate him.

She smiles wider as he opens her car door.
Did I ever do that?
I frown as my “did not” pile seems to be piling higher than my “did” the longer I watch.
My stomach turns to a hard ball as his fingers brush her cheek and her eyelids flutter closed.
My fingertips tingle remembering how her skin is warm silk in that spot.
He lingers close and I know then she loves him.
Because once, she looked at me that way with her beautiful eyes shiny, lips and cheeks flushed.
Yes, she’s completely, 100%, head over heels gone on him.
And I know exactly how he feels being on the receiving end of that look.
Like he can do anything, be anything, accomplish anything.
Did I ever give that same gift to her?
I mentally flip through the pictures of her face.
Crying, angry, hurt eyes.
Hollow with a loneliness she complained of, cheeks wet with tears and finally cold. Indifferent.
Did I ask? No.
Did I try? Why should I, that’s her job.
Did I chase that chill away with love?

I didn’t.
I rolled over and fell right to sleep while her tears stained the pillow.
I belittled any dream that made me feel threatened.
I did anything I could to remind her that she was the very last thing I ever thought about.

I turn my face into the wind. I can’t watch their kiss.
Because now, he’s reminding her that she’s his everything.
Her heart is his to cherish, her dreams are whispered across his pillow instead of mine. It’s his joy at her accomplishments she craves.
I watch the taillights as long as I can when they drive away.
I was one lucky bastard to have ever held her heart.

She’s so beautiful in love. 

2014 K.D. Wood 
Prohibited from being displayed, copied, discussed or electronically distributed without the expressed written permission of the author